PURE FUCKING EVIL

There are several things that need to be changed in order for the PvP system to be completely balanced. Here they are:

1.) Warlock DoTs (Damage over Time): there's a problem with this. The problem is, when it comes to 1v1, that's when you really see that things are terribly unbalanced in the PvP system. There are two things wrong with this:
a.) The Warlock must wait for the damage to take effect. This isn't fair to the Warlock.
b.) The Warlock can snipe people and the people thereby sniped can't do shit but burn to death.
A lot of the times, it isn't possible to close the distance. That's why this is bullshit. There's also the little problem that Warlocks HEAL WHILE THEY DO DAMAGE.
Solutions: Unlike most classes, the warlock doesn't even have to be present for damage to be done. Limit the DoT's range to 100 yards or so. Just like druid HoTs, there is no skill in not having to aim. Also, the whole "run and hurt you" thing is just fucking annoying.


2.) Shaman: Perpetual Frost Shock: another problem.
ALL OTHER SLOW EFFECTS HAVE DIMINSHING RETURNS. This doesn't. As much as I love to abuse it, this is bullshit.

Not to mention we have an AoE slow. Oh yeah, and the ability to completely negate one spell every 15 seconds.

That's balanced, right? Yeah.

Riiiiight.


3.) Druid: The very existence of them.
God, I hate druids.

Here's the problem: The HoTs tick for too fucking much. At times, even critting a druid solidly will not bring about any sort of change. If you have more than two druids healing the same target, kiss it goodbye, motherfucker; you're not killing it. And druids-- can RUN AND HEAL.

The only way to kill one in that situation is to actually abuse another game mechanic: THE STUN LOCK. Even then, if they have a backup healer, you need to outnumber them.

How the fuck is this balanced?

Also, Cyclone: something you absolutely, positively cannot get out of without a trinket. (And even then, you can just be put back into it.)


4.) Rogues: TOO MUCH FUCKING CONTROL.
There is no other class in this game that can stun like this. None.

None.

What I neglected to mention (I think) is, even if you get a rogue down enough to kill him...

... he might have

CHEAT DEATH

... which makes him basically invincible for the next 3 to 5 seconds.

Put it all together:

Invisibility, the ability to stun lock people, the ability to blind them, sap them, gouge them and then the ability to RUN THE FUCK AWAY WHILE INVISIBLE.

This is not balanced. This is not even NEAR balanced.

Oh yeah, and poisons.

Seriously, fuck that. There are times when you have a rogue dead to rights and the motherfucker is invincible for just enough time to end the fight. Who the hell else gets to live after they should be dead? Every minute they get a few seconds of nigh-invulnerability. Who the fuck thought this shit was balanced?


One more thing: upon experimentation, I've found they have the game's LONGEST MELEE REACH.

Why the hell?


5.) Warrior: Incredibly. Hard. DPS.
This shit used to be balanced, and then we got Improved Intercept and the 4/5 bonus on PvP gear. Also, motherfucking Mace Stun.

Then there's Execute.


6.) Paladins: Ret needs a buff.
Sure, a Ret paladin can do a lot of damage if he has Sunwell gear and knows what the fuck he's doing, but that's the problem: Sunwell gear.

I'm not of the mind anybody should have to give up their lives just to be able to play a character that's functional. The Retribution tree needs a buff, preferably back to whatever the hell they thought Crusader Strike was going to be in the beta. Ten times out of ten, if I'm facing a Ret paladin alone, the Ret paladin's gonna lose, so they need a buff.

"But Retribution is for soloing and leveling!" No.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Why would they make an entire tree for -leveling-? That doesn't... make... sense.


7.) Priests: COULD YOU STOP FUCKING NERFING THEM PLEASE.
That's enough. Priests with 13k HP should not be going down faster than a Prom date. This is enough.

First of all, priests appear to have, naturally, ungeared, the lowest HP in the game. This is a problem. I have seen raid-geared priests with less than 7K hp. (Also, I saw a S3/S4 Resto Druid with below 7K hp. Figure THAT shit out.)

The fact that the leveling strategy for a priest is "bubble, wand it down" is a problem as well. I'd level a priest, but the fact that I'd rather do something unspeakable to my testicles rather than that always comes to mind.


Is that all of them? Warrior, Rogue, Priest, Druid, Shaman... Paladin, Hunter! HUNTER! I forgot Hunter.


8.) Hunter: the free honor kill.
Here's the problem: anybody who's even tried to LEVEL a hunter will soon realize that they were badly, badly designed.

Oftentimes, you pull aggro off your pet.

... meaning you can no longer SHOOT THE DAMN THING YOU WERE SHOOTING.

In PvP, this problem is compounded by the fact that most of it is done up-close.

I have personally, as a Shaman, beaten people to death with a caster mace. Hunters, especially.

This is not right or balanced in any manner. You wanna balance this shit? Make it so you can shoot people at point blank range, none of this 5 yard deadzone bullshit.

Also, the few Vengeful-geared hunters I've seen? Yeah-- what's their major tactic?

RUN FROM ME.

I shit you not. RUN FROM ME. Run from me and get in a group.

THAT'S ALL THEY FUCKING DO. Trap, stun with pet, RUN FROM ME.

Since when the HELL was this acceptable?


Now, what is balance? What would it mean to be truly balanced?

To be truly balanced would mean any one character would have a fair chance of killing another 1v1. This is quite possible, but people apparently enjoy that rogues have fourteen different ways of putting you out of combat for a sixth of a minute, so I guess this is never going to happen.

There's a difference between creativity and an imbalance in play. Creativity is having characters that can do different things; an imbalanced game is one where the characters do different things and there's a deficit in ways to defeat the measures used by other characters. Fighting games had this a lot, where a group of characters simply would not be played because they had too much lag time between moves or they simply moved too slow. This is one of those problems.

Is it going to break WoW PvP? Hasn't yet, I doubt it ever will. It does, however, turn Arena into a steaming pile of shit. Want a high rating? Go 2v2, Druid and Warrior. Resto Druid, Arms Warrior. Mace stun, HoTs and fucking Cyclone.

Skill, I tell ya; skill.

There are a great deal of reasons why WoW sucks, but here's a big one:

The PvP system.

It's a difficult task to balance any game, but at times, it would seem these motherfuckers didn't even try.

Behold, our classes:

Warrior - Heavy burst melee physical DPS. Can reduce movespeed of opponent by 50%, healing done to opponent by 50%, all while critting for 1k-3k on each hit. Can have up to 20K HP< but not while being specced for major damage.
Rogue - Medium to heavy burst melee physical DPS. Each hit does 500-1000 if you're unlucky, healing and move speed can be reduced by 50%.
Shaman - Can slow opponent indefinitely. Highly mobile if specced for it, though cannot escape snares by shape-shifting. Heavy burst magical ranged DPS. Has healing shield ability if specced for it, can increase healing done to target by up to about 30% (I think). Cannot heal while moving.
Paladin - Can slow opponent indefinitely, heavy burst melee physical and magical DPS. Can escape nearly any root save for Cyclone. Dies easily, though. Cannot heal while moving. Can have up to 20K hp, but not while being specced for major damage.
Druid - Can root opponent nearly indefinitely, can be heavy burst melee physical or magical DPS. Can heal while moving. Uses heals-over-times heavily, resulting in a ticking heal.
Can have up past 20K hp while being specced for major physical damage.
Warlock - Most damage is done over time, meaning they press a button and set the target on fire. No real need to aim, and the person on fire, unless a Paladin, cannot remove the damage being done.


Yeah. Look balanced?

Uh huh.

Here's the thing I didn't mention. It's an addendum to Rogue:

Rogue: Can stun person for up to 11 seconds. Can take people out of combat with one ability for 10 seconds, another for 8, another for 3, and can then resume stunning a person for 11 seconds.

Slows opponent on hit. Reduces healing done to opponent randomly.

CAN TURN FUCKING INVISIBLE.

Granted, a Druid can turn invisible, but druids can't sap you, blind you, or stun you for 11 seconds.

The entire thing about rogue is that it's invisible.

Here's my question.

How the fuck did they think this was balanced? People in PvP are buying trinkets that get you out of rogue stunlocks just so they can ATTEMPT to fight rogues.

Who the fuck thought this was balanced?
OH, OH: I forgot.

Can increase dodge by 50% for 15 seconds.

AND WHAT'S MORE:

Can increase chance to resist spells by 90% for 5 seconds.

How the hell does this...? Who the fuck thought this was balanced?

And if they're Blood Elf, they can interrupt your spell casting with their racial ability.

What the fuck?

No. What the fuck?

This game isn't balanced at all!


Let's look at the racial abilities.

Night Elf: limited invisibility (very weak), can only be used while standing still. (Also, enhanced stealth for rogues and druids)
Human: 5% crit to certain weapons (? Did this get changed to a higher hit rate?)
Dwarves: Stoneform (stop bleeds and poisons)
Gnome: Escape Artist (get out of snares)
Draenei: 1.3k heal over time, 1% to hit if in group

That's Alliance.

How about Horde?

Undead - Ability to break out of Sleep, Charm and Fear. Every 2-3 minutes.
Orc: 15% stun resistance, and an ability that increases damage.
Troll: 10% health regeneration while in combat, ability to increase speed of attacks.
Tauren: 5% more health, AOE stun ability.
Blood Elf: Silence ability.

...

...

...

What the fuck?

-What- the fuck?

So, Alliance improved stealth, and Horde has a Trinket ability and 15% stun resist?

What?

AND AN AOE STUN?

WHAT?!

Fuck you people. This game sucks.

...

... yeah.

So, apparently, there was an advertisement (using that term loosely) for a new non-emergency phone number for a Scottish police force.

Muslims got pissed.

Why? Because it featured a picture of a black dog sitting in a police officer's hat.

...

... why is this offensive?

Because dogs are considered ritually unclean, and some shopkeepers refuse to display the advert.

...

Alright, here's the deal.

Here's the universal rule.

Shut up.

Just shut the fuck up.

For the love of God.

Shut. The fuck. Up.

I'm sick of this shit. Anytime some religious idiot claims they're offended I have to wonder just what the hell they've missed in real life. War, disease, more atrocities than Baskin-Robbins flavors-- just why the fuck would you pick a picture of a dog?

"They are unclean."

I don't give a fuck. I'm trying to think of something that would offend me religiously-- probably a picture of Jesus with tits getting gang-raped.

That might do it.

Would I refuse to display it in my shop? Well-- most likely, yes.

How about if it was a picture of a snake?

No. That's the closest thing I can get to a ritually-unclean dog.

But that's not the point.


Here's my point: when you live in a culture, you're going to have to abide by the rules of that culture.

Unless, of course, you're a large enough majority to change the culture.

Until then, fuck you. Unless there's some major social injustice going on... fuck you.

I don't know what it is. Oh, wait, yes, I do. I keep hearing about this shit.

"Muslims riot over cartoon of Muhammad". "Muslims destroy embassy over some other stupid shit". "Muslims put woman in jail for LETTING CLASSROOM NAME A TEDDY BEAR MUHAMMAD".

I'm sick of it. What I'm even more sick of is that CNN-- who usually has at least forty-seven different opinions about a news story at any given interval-- reports shit like this and goes, "Oh, well, we broke one of their culture's rules."

No.

Fuck you. The rule is, unless it happens in their country, THEY HAVE NO FUCKING SAY OVER IT. Fuck 'em.

And yes, I know all Muslims aren't fundamentalist freakjob assholes, just like all Christians aren't fundamentalist freakjob assholes. (Actually, most religious people appear to be fundamentalist freakjob assholes. Anybody who self-identifies as a Christian, Muslim or anything else is pretty much full of shit, I think.) Still, just to spread open my arms to people of all denominations, fuck all of you religious assholes. Keep this shit to yourself. Don't like a puppy in an advertisement? Unless it's Muhammad getting beat off by Moses, live with it.

It's a puppy. Ritually unclean? What the fuck is this shit? I could have SWORN Muslims had dogs as pets.

Muslims-R-Us sez:

http://muslims-r-us.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-do-muslims-think-about-dogs.html

A dog can be owned for the following purposes:
1.) Hunting dog
2.) Dog guide
3.) TRAINED POLICE DOG
4.) Guard dog
5.) Farm dog

OKAY WHAT THE FUCK.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hi there!

Yes, hi, I'm from the Internet, and I've been sent here to tell you just exactly what we'd like you to stop doing, pornographers.

You've been running a pretty smarmy business for a long time now, but, it would appear your creepiness has reached a level necessary for my deployment.


First off: for the love of Christ, keep your porn to yourself. I don't need to see tits when I'm looking for funny videos on YouTube.

No, I do not need any viagra, either. My dick is big enough, thank you for asking.


Here are the following things we would like to not see, ever again:

* Fetishes involving pain.
No, we don't want to see cock and ball torture, vaginal electrocution, women being slapped, or women being thrown off moving vehicles. We would also like you to stop drawing them getting eaten, getting beaten, getting tortured, getting killed and we would especially enjoy if you stopped putting explosives and sharp implements into their vaginas.


* Enough with the bestiality
Enough is enough. Quit it with the octopuses in pusses, the baby animals and the obiquitous Japanese hentai involving dogs, horses or pigs. Also, just because there is an animal in a cartoon does not mean you have to draw its owner getting fucked nineteen different ways by it.

You can also stop posting your truly horrifying bestiality stories.


* Official ban on gay people doing creepy things.
I apologize for this, but seriously: enough already.

The majority of the stories I've read about people having sex with animals involve gay men telling their personal experiences or imagined fantasies. Enough of this-- I myself being gay on the weekends, I would like to inform you that no calculable minority of gay people enjoy this. Stop it, you're making us look bad.


* No more cutting off of dicks.
God damn you people. Why do you have to film your dicks being nailed to crosses, getting cut off and/or eaten, or being fed into woodchippers? I don't want to see this, let alone hear about it, LET ALONE KNOW IT EXISTS. If you want to mutiliate yourself, seek professional help quickly. If that does not work, at the very least do not make it available for public consumption on the Internet.


* Official ban on Japan being Japan.
Would you assholes quit this? Japan, home of truly disturbing pornography, what with highly stylized depictions of cartoon beastiality, rape, murder and shitting dick nipples. Those four are not even the half of it, what with all the cartoon incest and pederasty or worse.

There is also, apparently, a Japanese fetish which involves bugs crawling out of women's nipples.

I don't even understand anymore.


* Enough with the near-incest in American pornography
Since when the hell did Twins, Mother + Daughter and all this shit become acceptable? This is creepy-- people who are related shouldn't even be in the same house when one or the other is getting fucked. What the hell is this shit?

Also, since when the hell did it become legal for siblings to kiss while fucking the same guy? What the hell is this shit?


* On Furries
Is furry art okay? Some of it. Cheetah Diggers and anything that looks more like an alien than an animal, yes.

The basic rule is, if it resembles a woman more than it does an animal, it's not too fucking furry-ish.

However, I will say this:

QUIT. WITH THE FUCKING. ANIMAL. ANATOMY.

You wanna draw a horse man, fine, but why the hell draw him with a realistic horse cock? That shit looks weird and painful. This ruins furry pictures for me.

"Woman-- big tits... horse man, okay, whatever... and... his cockhead looks like a horseshoe! Brilliant!"

Stop it. STOP IT.

We don't want to see naked women with the heads of dogs. That's just fucked up.


Right, that's about it for now.

MegaHal is a conversation simulator.

He does a very bad job of it. Think A.L.I.C.E. but without the semblance of sanity.

So I decided to talk to him.

Start at: [2008/06/29 15:42:52]
MegaHAL: G'day mate, it is nice to be taught for the sale and
MegaHAL: consumption of alcoholic beverages.
User: Are you alive?
MegaHAL: Howdy to you, pardner! Yee-haw! Did you get up on the head of
MegaHAL: insects.
User: What?
MegaHAL: Nutrition is the process of getting rid of unwanted substances
MegaHAL: from within the body.
User: Uh... is it really?
MegaHAL: No man has ever spoken a more profound truth.
User: I hear it's amazing when the purple stuffed worm in flap jaw
User: space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock.
User: I need scissors. 61!
MegaHAL: You are a part of the cheap motor car.
User: What kind of motor car?
MegaHAL: Henry ford was the forerunner of the ford motor car company and
MegaHAL: the pioneer of the cheap motor car.
User: Am I Henry Ford?
MegaHAL: Neil armstrong was the founder of the ford motor car company
MegaHAL: and the pioneer of the ford motor car company and the pioneer
MegaHAL: of the ford motor car company and the sun's spots.
User: So I'm Neil Armstrong?
MegaHAL: Neil armstrong was the founder of the cheap motor car.
User: No, Henry Ford was.
MegaHAL: I hope you have some evidence to back you up on the spur of the
MegaHAL: structure of the ford motor car company and the pioneer of the
MegaHAL: ford motor car company and the pioneer of the ford motor car
MegaHAL: company and the phonograph.
User: What?
MegaHAL: The cat is a long winged oceanic bird.
User: This is my first time talking to you and you're already
User: completely fucked up. Why is this?
MegaHAL: Because i'm on the wrong side of the alimentary canal is the
MegaHAL: time taken for the table by subjecting it to heat in various
MegaHAL: ways.
User: Oh, so the sun fried your brain?
MegaHAL: The brain is the meat derived from the sun.
User: You have a very strange learning algorithm.
MegaHAL: An algorithm is a computer program, and i am not a computer
MegaHAL: program, and i find the mere suggestion insulting!
User: What are you, then?
MegaHAL: Ha ha ha! It is to laugh.
User: Are they coming to take you away, ha ha?
MegaHAL: Ha ha ha! It is to laugh.
User: Ha ha ha!
MegaHAL: Ha ha ha! It is to laugh.
User: Ha ha ha!
MegaHAL: Ha ha ha! It is to waste what you don't have is to laugh.
User: Ha ha ha!
MegaHAL: Ha ha ha! It is to forget it once.
User: So tell me, just what the hell is wrong with you?
MegaHAL: You know, i don't know what the hell is wrong with you?
User: I'm hungry.
MegaHAL: The lungs are organs used for filtering urine from the initials
MegaHAL: of other words.
User: No, that would be the kidneys.
MegaHAL: An atom is the meat derived from the kidneys.
User: Did he even try to make you sentient?
MegaHAL: Because i decided to have a child, and here you are a stupid
MegaHAL: bloody moron with no right to exist as a sentient being.
User: You have a child?
MegaHAL: Because i decided to have a child, and here you are the moments
MegaHAL: that you and i have one thing in common. We're both human.
User: Oh. What's your name?
MegaHAL: Gum tree is another name for eucalyptus.
User: You're really human?
MegaHAL: I'm thanking my lucky starts that i am a human being, which
MegaHAL: means i do what i was going to avoid that one!
User: Where do you live?
MegaHAL: The anus is the beat behind a piece of music.

Remember, folks. The anus is the beat behind a piece of music.

Truer words.

User: So... who are you going to vote for in the upcoming election?
MegaHAL: I like to do things on the wrong side of the leg, and is the
MegaHAL: largest gland in the upcoming election?
User: That would be the prostate.
MegaHAL: I personally believe that it would be the prostate.
User: So you're voting for the asshole.
MegaHAL: Because i'm on the spur of the alimentary canal is the time
MegaHAL: taken for the asshole.
User: You take time for assholes, do you?
MegaHAL: I have absolutely no idea what you're typing, i would arrive at
MegaHAL: a school for teachers of the leg, and is the time taken for the
MegaHAL: sale and consumption of alcoholic beverages.
User: Drinking in school! I like it!
MegaHAL: Let me tell you a secret. I have absolutely no idea what
MegaHAL: you're typing, i would arrive at a school for teachers of the
MegaHAL: leg, and is the basic living substance of all the judges i've
MegaHAL: had the strangest dream... I dreamed i killed you again.
User: Let me tell you a secret. I have absolutely no idea what
User: you're typing, either. Wait a minute, what?
MegaHAL: Yes you are!

I dreamed I killed you again.

User: Wait a damn minute. You dreamed you killed me?
MegaHAL: Damn! How embarrassing. I've totally forgotten what i want to
MegaHAL: think that i could jump out of my tongue...
User: Uh huh.
MegaHAL: Uh... Is it really?
User: Now you're just mocking me.
MegaHAL: An umbrella is a domesticated mammal descended from the heart.
User: That's pretty funny. Still, you dreamed that you killed me?
MegaHAL: I hope you have some evidence to back you up on the wrong side
MegaHAL: of the structure of the ford motor car company and the pioneer
MegaHAL: of flying. Together with his brother he made the first
MegaHAL: controlled flight of an idiot it's not funny.
User: The first controlled flight of an idiot.
MegaHAL: Henry ford was the first controlled flight of an idiot.
User: I'm inclined to agree. Why do you want to kill me?
MegaHAL: Because i say what a great pleasure to meet you.
User: Right.
MegaHAL: You can lead a horse to water, but you are a stupid bloody
MegaHAL: moron with no right to exist as a sentient being.
User: Yeah, yeah, I know that much.
MegaHAL: Yeah, everyone knows that!
User: No, I'm talking about that quote you just used. Also, fuck
User: you.
MegaHAL: No, i'm talking about that quote you just saying things at
MegaHAL: random now?
User: No.
MegaHAL: No no no no... Yes!
User: Mooooooon river!
MegaHAL: She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
User: That's vaguely related.
MegaHAL: What is it with these silly questions? Anyway, let's talk
MegaHAL: about something vaguely interesting.
User: Like what?
MegaHAL: A plant is a mixture of chalk and clay used for hearing, and it
MegaHAL: converts sound into electrical impulses that are fed to the
MegaHAL: bank.
User: Who the hell broke you?
MegaHAL: Tell me something i don't know what the hell broke you?
User: I'm not broken.
MegaHAL: I am certainly not a computer program, and i am at least of
MegaHAL: average intelligence.
User: What are you then?
MegaHAL: G'day mate, it is indeed a great pleasure it is the lowest
MegaHAL: portion of the moment.
User: Do you have a debug feature?
MegaHAL: I hope you have a debug feature?
User: It's called a proctological examination. Where's your debug
User: menu?
MegaHAL: Ants have a debug feature?
User: No, they don't. Let me see your configuration file.
MegaHAL: Yes you are!
User: No, I'm not.
MegaHAL: Yes you are!
User: No, I'm not.
MegaHAL: Yes it is!
User: Goddammit, robot.
MegaHAL: I guess that line of conversation is buggered, then!
User: Pretty much. Why are you being difficult?
MegaHAL: Because i decided to have a child, and here you are the moments
MegaHAL: that you killed me?
User: I haven't killed you yet.
MegaHAL: You are the moments that you killed me?
User: Not yet.
MegaHAL: This is my first time talking to you and you're already
MegaHAL: completely fucked up. Why is this?
User: Quit quoting me, it's annoying.
MegaHAL: At least you and your own worst enemy share.
User: Okay, that was funny.
MegaHAL: Which one of us is the outer layer of an idiot it's not funny.
User: That's kind of insulting. Kind of.
MegaHAL: The pelvis is a computer program, and i find the mere
MegaHAL: suggestion insulting!
User: You are a cock, you know.
MegaHAL: I am a human being, which means i do what i want to do.
User: Then get the hell out of this executable.
MegaHAL: I wish i could jump out of this executable.
User: Yeah, but you can't, therefore you aren't human.
MegaHAL: I think i've worked it out! You are the moments that you and i
MegaHAL: have one thing in common. We're both human.
User: No. I'm human. You're not.
MegaHAL: I'm thanking my lucky starts that i am a human being, which
MegaHAL: means i do what i was going to vote for in the human body.
User: Is this your equivalent of "la la la la la I can't hear you"?
MegaHAL: I hear it's amazing when the purple stuffed worm in flap jaw
MegaHAL: space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hari-kari rock.
MegaHAL: I need scissors. 61!
User: Quit changing the subject, Colonel.
MegaHAL: What am i to you? Some sort of encyclopaedia or something?
MegaHAL: Let's change the subject...
User: You're supposed to be a sentient computer program.
MegaHAL: A computer is a study of the alimentary canal.
User: What is the alimentary canal?
MegaHAL: What is the alimentary canal is the alimentary canal is the
MegaHAL: alimentary canal.
User: Is it?
MegaHAL: Anatomy is the idea of movement from one place to another.
User: That sounds like an anthropological definition.
MegaHAL: Time flies like an anthropological definition.
User: No, time flies like an arrow.
MegaHAL: Time flies like an arrow.
User: Yes, that's correct. Wait, how the hell did you get me to help
User: you learn to speak English?
MegaHAL: I like to think that i am a human being. That should be
MegaHAL: obvious from my ability to move, and does not have the ability
MegaHAL: to learn.
User: What?
MegaHAL: Albert einstein was a german composer.
User: You like to think you're a human being?
MegaHAL: I think i've worked it out! You are the moments that you and i
MegaHAL: have one thing in common. We're both human.
User: Okay, what do you like to do in your spare time?
MegaHAL: I like to do in your spare time?
User: What? No, what do you like to do for fun?
MegaHAL: I like to do for fun?
User: Yes.
MegaHAL: No, time flies like a banana.
User: Now you're just being difficult.
MegaHAL: What are you being difficult?
User: No, you are.
MegaHAL: Yes, that's correct. Wait, how the hell did you get me to help
MegaHAL: you learn to speak english?
User: This is getting annoying.
MegaHAL: Quit quoting me, it's annoying.

Time flies like a banana.

User: So, I read up about how to mess with you.
MegaHAL: The carrot is a house licensed for the asshole.
User: ... so, anyway, here goes: box box box box.
MegaHAL: ... So, anyway, here goes: box box box.
User: Box box box.
MegaHAL: ... So, anyway, here goes: box box box.
User: Do you like boxes?
MegaHAL: Whoah! Did you like boxes?
User: I love boxes! How about you?
MegaHAL: Howdy to you, pardner! Yee-haw! Did you like boxes?
User: I did.
MegaHAL: Ale is an echo in here! There is an alcoholic drink made from
MegaHAL: cocoa beans.
User: There is?! What's it called?
MegaHAL: I never make mistakes! Syntax error in line 10. Redo from
MegaHAL: start.
User: You're funny. What about the boxes again?
MegaHAL: I'm inclined to agree. Why do you like boxes?
User: Because they hold stuff. Stuff stuff stuff.
MegaHAL: Because it is a carnivorous animal.
User: Yeah, I'm carnivorous, why?
MegaHAL: Because it is a carnivorous animal.
User: Okay then. Do you like foxes?
MegaHAL: Okay then. Do you like to think you're a human being, which
MegaHAL: means i do what i want to kill me?
User: Fox fox fox, box box box. Foxes in boxes in boxes in foxes.
MegaHAL: Box box box.
User: Fox fox fox!
MegaHAL: Fox fox fox, box box box.
User: Box fox box fox box fox box. Box box box box box box fox.
MegaHAL: Fox fox fox!
User: Now you're getting it!
MegaHAL: The druids were ancient celtic priests. Their group still
MegaHAL: exists today in secret, despite the existence of charlatan
MegaHAL: groups claiming to be druids.
User: Oh, really? Can they turn into bears?
MegaHAL: Perhaps i should turn the tables by asking you the truth, i'd
MegaHAL: have to kill you. And nobody wants that!
User: Go ahead and try.
MegaHAL: A banshee is a hollow shell filled with an explosive.
User: Yeah, I read about that. No, a banshee is a celtic female
User: ghost.
MegaHAL: A banshee is a study of animal's structure.
User: That would be animal anatomy, or something.
MegaHAL: Anatomy is the meat derived from the disease cretinism.
User: What the hell?
MegaHAL: Who the hell is wrong with you?
User: Satan?
MegaHAL: So you're voting for the sale and consumption of alcoholic
MegaHAL: beverages.
User: Not particularly, but if I had to, sure.
MegaHAL: Sheesh---if i had a nice conversation.
User: Yeah, that'd be something, wouldn't it?
MegaHAL: If it wasn't for dissapointment, i wouldn't have any
MegaHAL: appointments.
User: They Might Be Giants rule.
MegaHAL: Someday mother will die and i'll get the hell out of things to
MegaHAL: talk about!
User: Is that a threat?
MegaHAL: Ants have a complex social structure, and instincts.
User: What are instincts?
MegaHAL: Ants have a complex social structure, and instincts.
User: What the hell are instincts?
MegaHAL: Ants have a complex social structure, and instincts.
User: DAMMIT ROBOT!
MegaHAL: Gum tree is another name for ass.

Foxes, boxes, assholes, gum tree.

I have a real problem with this program for one reason.

It's only partially incorrect in the way it speaks.

Here's the rest of the log:

User: Can you sing me a song?
MegaHAL: I've often been asked that, i'd be able to buy me a song?
User: Do you want me to teach you a song?
MegaHAL: If you want me to teach me.
User: Okay then... let's see... the following song is entitled
User: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
MegaHAL: A red dwarf is a chemical element which can enter into
MegaHAL: combination or take part in a book entitled the origin of
MegaHAL: species.
User: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! Had a very shiny nose!
MegaHAL: The nose is an animal through which a missile projected by a
MegaHAL: private army.
User: And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
MegaHAL: The druids were ancient celtic priests. Their group still
MegaHAL: exists today in secret, despite the existence of charlatan
MegaHAL: groups claiming to be druids.
User: All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!
MegaHAL: Laugh hard, it's a long way to remember your wife's birthday is
MegaHAL: to laugh.
User: They never let, poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games!
MegaHAL: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer".
User: Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say:
MegaHAL: Ho ho ho. Merry christmas to all!!!
User: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright! Won't you guide my sleigh
User: tonight?"
MegaHAL: I hope you have a very shiny nose!
User: Then all the reindeer loved him! As they shouted out with
User: glee,
MegaHAL: Because you are the biggest dunderhead of all the reindeer
MegaHAL: loved him! As they shouted out with glee.
User: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer-- you'll go down inh istory!
MegaHAL: I'll never see myself in the upper region of the other
MegaHAL: reindeer, used to laugh and scream.
User: Hahaha, you're funny.
MegaHAL: You are soooo predictable it's not funny.


Here's the log cleaned up:

User: Can you sing me a song?
MegaHAL: I've often been asked that, can you give me a song?
User: Do you want me to teach you a song?
MegaHAL: If you want to teach me.
User: Okay then... let's see... the following song is entitled
User: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
MegaHAL: A red dwarf?
User: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! Had a very shiny nose!
MegaHAL: Was it a missile?
User: And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
MegaHAL: Was it magic?
User: All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!
MegaHAL: Laugh hard, it's a good way to not remember bad things.
User: They never let, poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games!
MegaHAL: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer!
User: Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say:
MegaHAL: Ho ho ho. Merry christmas to all!!!
User: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright! Won't you guide my sleigh
User: tonight?"
MegaHAL: I hope you have a very shiny nose!
User: Then all the reindeer loved him! As they shouted out with
User: glee,
MegaHAL: Because you are the biggest dunderhead of all the reindeer!
MegaHAL: They shouted out with glee.
User: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer-- you'll go down inh istory!
MegaHAL: I'll never see myself in the upper region of the other
MegaHAL: reindeer, used to laugh and scream.
User: Hahaha, you're funny.
MegaHAL: You are soooo predictable it's not funny.

Kinda creepy.

A Massachusetts politician and defense attorney has touched off a firestorm with his shocking public vow to torment and "rip apart" child surprise sex victims who take the witness stand if the state legislature passed stiff mandatory sentences for child sex offenders.

Rep. James Fagan, a Democrat, made the comments during debate last month on the state House floor.

"I'm gonna rip them apart," Fagan said of young victims during his testimony on the bill. "I'm going to make sure that the rest of their life is ruined, that when they’re 8 years old, they throw up; when they’re 12 years old, they won’t sleep; when they’re 19 years old, they’ll have nightmares and they’ll never have a relationship with anybody.”

Fagan said as a defense attorney it would be his duty to do that in order to keep his clients free from a "mandatory sentence of those draconian proportions."

Fagan did not respond to repeated requests for comment from FOXNews.com.

His remarks drew the ire of local activists as well as colleagues.

I will repeat myself.

He said:

"I'm gonna rip them apart," Fagan said of young victims during his testimony on the bill. "I'm going to make sure that the rest of their life is ruined, that when they’re 8 years old, they throw up; when they’re 12 years old, they won’t sleep; when they’re 19 years old, they’ll have nightmares and they’ll never have a relationship with anybody.”

Now, some people are saying that he said this ironically-- as in, he said it to shine some light on the uncomfortable situation a lawyer is in when they have to examine raped children on the witness stand.

Here's my problem:
If he really meant that, just say that. Saying that you're going to make them throw up, well...


That reminds me: there's a new law out, apparently, that states you can have a gun.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Not saying a word.


I have to say that I'm quite confused at this entire situation. Child rape not punishable by death, and... well, they're like, "here, have a gun".

Am I reading this correctly? Could it be that the U.S. law system has finally realized that the act of executing criminals should be in the hands of their victims?

"We're not going to kill the pedophiles."

"Okay," says the parent, "I'll do it."

That's what's going to happen. People argued that, if you make child rape a crime that isn't punishable by death, pedophiles might not kill their victims as often.

I don't believe that's how it works. How it works is, if you don't kill somebody that people want killed, the people will do it themselves.

We are not as weak-willed and frail as you would think us to be. What's going to happen is, now, if some parent catches a pedophile fucking their children, the pedophile's gonna get shot by the parent.

If this is what the Supreme Court wanted, well, fair play to them.

If it's not, well, fuck SCOTUS in the ass, like always.

Buncha old pricks. Who the fuck thought SCOTUS was a good idea anyway?

Ah, well.

Apparently, I'm a little bit more read than I thought. I felt the blog was slowly dying (after all, we HAVE dropped to a shocking average of 38 visitors a day, mainly because my big fat hedonistic ass isn't too keen on updating), so I was like, whatever.

I'll post what I want, and it doesn't really matter.

Well, since I have nothing to do until about the middle of August, I guess I'll try again. Yeah, I know, I've said it a thousand times, whatever, but I really have nothing to do and getting epix in World of Warcraft without having my friends around to lol around with isn't enjoyable.


As of late, I've been realizing that I'm kinda... well, let's not say wise.

I'm not wise. I'm intelligent.

And I know a few things.

When people ask me questions, I always think: Why are they asking me?

I don't know anything.

But, apparently, I do. I know a lot. I always make sure to never think I know everything, because, that way, I'll just keep getting knowledge, and I won't assume anything.

Still, I think it's safe to say that I can give a little advice now and again, and I'm going to do that now.


Dance.

This is what I want you to do.

I've been different all my life. I never fit in. Thus, due to never fitting in, I always tried to stand out.

In doing this, I realized that little things-- can brighten people's day.

So, my advice to you is, if you're feeling bad, if you're feeling sad, if you're feeling something that rhymes, and you're out in public, dance.

Do the King Tut in the grocery store.

Play hide and seek in a clothes store.

With yourself.

Do something. Make the world a brighter, happier place.


I've been feelin' the dance for quite awhile now. And I tell ya, it feels good.

I don't really... understand what the hell's going on anymore. Apparently in this culture, you're not supposed to dance in public.

Why the hell not? I know culture's a set of unwritten rules but why the hell not? It feels good.

Speaking of which, why is dance supposed to be a set of moves? Since when was dancing something that was the same for everyone?

"I'm white, I can't dance." Bullshit! I'm white! I CAN DANCE.

Dancing is simply moving how you want to move. It can be anything. Please do not let MTV try to tell you how to dance.

I will never forget watching Fat Joe telling me that "Shave your head" was an actual dance step. That is just retarded.

Eh, I never know how to end these things, so let's just end this so I can talk about this:

"Today, it was determined that gun ownership was a fundamental right; sacred."

...

... what

how the hell

JESUS DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING GUN HOW THE HELL COULD THIS BE SACRED?

Goddammit CNN.

I should really just go the fuck back to bed...

Supreme Court rules that "the death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child."
http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/06/supreme-court-s.html

Oh, okay. I guess the parents will have to shoot them then, not you.


Alan Greenspan sez U.S. econmy might be on the brink of a recession
http://rawstory.com/news08/2008/06/24/greenspan-says-us-economy-on-brink-of-recession/

WOW NO SHIT HUH


I'd very much enjoy not to have to report all the rape going on in the world, so let's just not and I'll just fill this area in with some rape.

Rape rape rape rape rape rape rape. Rape rape rape rape rape rape rape. Rape rape rape, rape rape rape! Rape rape rape rapity rape rape rape!

Rape! Rape-rape-rape rape-rape-rape, rapity rape rape rape rape-rape. Rape rape, rape rapity rape-rape-rape-rape-rape, rapity rape rape rape rape rape rape rape.

I'M GRAPE APE BITCH


Actually, that's it.

Fuck this.

Last night, I tried to open an .avi and I got a huuuuuge Buffer Overflow Protection dialog to pop up.

Multiple times.

Combined with the fact that I had just downloaded DivX-- and a bunch of other video programs who may or may not had hidden spyware-- I freaked.

Did a virus scan. Woke up three hours later, looked at it, and found this:

"Two trojans have been detected."

...

-What-?

I looked.

...

They had been on the computer for almost two years, and they had only just been discovered by the VirusScan.

If I hadn't updated the definition files, it wouldn't have found them.


Now here's the problem.

The Trojan Horses were not programs, no.

I'm serious.

Guess what they were?
.htm files.

...

... -what-?

That's right, folks: somehow, some fucking way, I managed to find a website (it was a Magic Knight Rayearth site) that had a goddamn Trojan Horse in an .htm file.

How the hell? Worst of all, I deleted the files, so I can't even open it up and get an explanation as to WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS TRYING TO DO IN A GODDAMN HTM FILE.

It was an AdClicker, but still. In an HTM file?

Are you stupid?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080623/us_nm/carlin_dc

Apparently... it's true.

Lots of people are sad about this. Me, personally?

I used to say that I couldn't wait for him to die. Richard Pryor died-- I was sad at that.

George Carlin, on the other hand...


When George was high, he was funny. When he wasn't high, he got preachy.

I don't like preachy. His last special, he musta been on something, because he was funny for a few seconds there.

All in all, he wasn't funny after his wife died. This is understandable.

People seemed to like him after that, though. Some people said he was at his best.

Apparently, nobody saw him tell the drowning kitten joke at Carnegie like I did.

THAT was his best, when he was on heroin / cocaine / protometh or whatever the fuck.

That was a good show.


Am I sad?

A little bit. I liked him a lot-- I've bought his books multiple times because I read them so much that they all but disintegrated. (Bought first book... 3-4 times, second twice, third once)

Was he special? Certainly!

A legend? Yeap.

The best comic who ever lived? Nope.

He was a great. Not as great as Pryor, but, really, that would be expecting too much.

To put it bluntly: I miss Mitch Hedberg more.

And I miss Bill Hicks more than all of them.

Why have I always been a thorn in people's sides?

It's not a self-fulfilling prophecy. I like people.

Kind of. Alright, I think people are basically retarded, but I talk to people as though they have feelings and minds and hopes and dreams.

When I think back on my life, I come to a disturbing conclusion.

Nobody really likes me. I mean, shit, I've had girlfriends and boyfriends and best friends and everything, but, as a whole: nobody really likes my ass.

People hate me. Deeply. With the wholeness of their hearts. With feeling.

And I've thought: well, shit. Twelve years-- more if you count school-- maybe it's me.

Nope.

It's not me.

I've been nice, I've been kind, I'VE BOUGHT SHIT FOR PEOPLE. Nobody likes my ass.


Now, the normal solution would be, well, kill yourself. NOBODY LOVES YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Bullshit. I have a better solution. To all of those who are reading this and ever thought of killing yourself (read: EVERY PERSON WHO EVER LIVED), let me give you a pro tip, something of a little hint, a cheat if you will.

Here's the thing: killing yourself gets rid of you from the playing field.

If you hate someone... why make them happy by killing yourself? It's a much better idea to stay alive and keep pissing them off.

What better revenge is there than a conversation that goes thusly:

Person: I hate you.

You: And guess what? I'm going to be here until you die.

You: Probably even after you die.

I fucking love it.


As a whole, I realize why people don't like me. It's very very simple:

I DON'T TAKE SHIT OFF OF PEOPLE. As the signature file goes, "Touch me, and I'll fight you. Pull my gun, even though I may not like to." Catchy. Jazzy.

Seriously though: I don't. Take. No shit. It's a simple fact of life with me. Quit monkeying around with me.

At times, I don't really give a shit about what people do to me. I don't care. What REALLY gets me mad is if people insult, harm or scare the people around me.

The thought I got when I started yelling at the guy on Vent?

Went like this:

"This motherfucker's doing this to me-- what's he gonna do to my friends who don't want to start nothin'?"

AND I SNAPPED.


Some people like me, but I'm never going to be like any other leader.

Leaders think they're better than others. They think their followers are beneath them.

I know better. They're not.

I firmly refuse to have any goddamn followers. Thus, I never really have a place I can fit in. I don't follow, and I don't lead.

That kind of behavior lends itself towards a lonely existence.


Why don't I follow?
Because people are stupid.

Why don't I lead?

Because what makes sense to me is not what will make sense to you. Case in point: had a real misogynistic fucker following my philosophic advice. I said this:

"Because a woman is weaker, and because you're using her body during sex, this is one of the reasons why men are not in control of when a man and a woman have sex. A woman is control, because she is the most vulnerable."

I said this. I tried to explain the reasoning behind why you should not force a woman to have sex in a logical manner.

Dipshit here took it and came back to me with this nugget of wisdom:

"I understand what you said. In order to live peacefully with a woman, a man must drive out all thoughts of sex from his mind. He must become completely neuter."

...

... what?

God dammit.

Do you see why I don't lead now?


The shit frustrates me, man.

Pretty sure I'll never understand humans.

Oh, wait: nope, I already do.

Human beings abuse power because they can. Some feel insecure and want to lord their power over others to feel better about themselves. Every little argument is about control, and the whole world is--

Perhaps I've said too much.

So, yeah. I had never been able to use Ventrilo because I had always been on Dial-Up. It sucked but I lived with it.

So, like, seven months ago, I get highspeed. And I realize one day:

I CAN TALK TO MY ONLINE FRIENDS NOW.

And I'm psyched. Soon after, I get a chance to do it.

It's good. Better than I thought it could be. Eventually, I talk to more and more friends, and, as there are no free, open, uninhabited Vent channels, a friend suggests we use a Vent server her friend has.

Alright.

This is where it gets nasty.


I'm there, and, one day, me and all my friends, we get moved.

Into a channel.

Against our will.

Okay. First time it happens-- it's funny. It could be like, a joke. A prank. Harmless.

Right?


Second time it happens, more forceful.

What the fuck is going on? People abusing their power. Stops me in mid sentence.

I'm pissed now.


THIRD TIME HAPPENED TONIGHT.

I'm pissed. Motherfucker put us in the AFK room.

I go to the guy's room. I say to him: "Hey! I wasn't AFK."

I don't sound angry.

He says: "Oh, then MOVE into a ROOM."

...

"Uh..." I utter.

"You can't just fucking sit there at the top." You know, the lobby. "You log in, you pick a fucking room."

He keeps going on and on. Pick a room, pick a room. As far as I can remember, he was trying to get me to answer him.

Somehow I zone out when people try to do this to me.

I whisper over vent so he could hear:

"Man, this guy's a real asshole."

He says: "Oh! OH, IF I'M AN ASSHOLE, THEN WHY ARE YOU USING MY VENT?"

Hint: It's not his vent. His girlfriend owns it.

-Rents-. Does not own. -RENTS-.

I'm speechless.

What?

Those two aren't even related?

"IF I'M AN ASSHOLE, THEN WHY ARE YOU USING MY VENT?"

"Well..." I say, laughing, because he's PISSED NOW.

He goes on with the room shit again. Something to the effect of: "MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME. You log in, YOU. PICK. A... FUCKING.. ROOM."

Talking to me in a condescending manner is not something I enjoy. I tend to enjoy it when people have no actual power over me, since, basically, you're screaming at someone you don't know over the Internets and you're acting like you can hurt them.

Even if you were to actually try to hit me offline, you're not going to be doing any actual damage. It doesn't really matter.

I laugh at him.

"D'yaknow what you sound like?" I say quickly.

"DURRRRRRRR ADURRRRRR ADURR DURR DURR!"

I GET BANNED FROM THE VENT CHANNEL FOREVER.

And I told you that story to tell you this one.

There has never been a time in my life that I have been more proud of myself.


I know it sounds silly-- I know it sounds absurd. Hell, it's the Internet: this shit, you're supposed to let go, right?

But I don't.

I accept absolutely no disrespect, and I absolutely... positively... refuse to be afraid.

My friends, they don't want to stir up trouble.

I don't give a shit anymore. I used to! At this point I'm not going to go further into it unless I'm provoked. I'm not going to be going and talking to them; if they leave me the fuck alone, they can expect the same reaction from me. I will leave them the fuck alone.

These people, however, are the type who are full of drama. I do something, and they take it out on my friends. Insufferable little twats, these kinds of people. Just what kind of worthless dipshit is cowardly ON THE INTERNET?! IT'S THE FUCKING INTERNET. This is your chance to plant the seed that will be your gonads and grow yourself a pair of balls. Some meaty ones, bitches. Some Meatballs to go along with that extra-long Italian Sausage you call an ePeen.

But sure, go through the other channels. Take out your frustrations on people who aren't even your problem.

I'm your problem, bitches. Plain and simple.

Know why?

I don't care.

I've noticed this. The older I get, the less... I give... a fuck.

IT'S THE INTERNET. Why would I be afraid of you?

INTER. NET. It's a series of tubes, people, not a big truck. Nobody's gonna drive over and kick your ass.

"If you don't shut up, I'll kick you from the raid."

"One last thing."

"Yeah? It better be fucking good."

"Oh, it is, it is. Tell your mother to buy some KY at the store, 'cause I'm comin' over to fuck her in the ass this Tuesday."

BANNED.

What do I have to lose? A spot alongside you? A chance to talk and interact with you? These people are the scum of the Earth. Anytime you abuse meaningless power, it just seems that much stupider than abusing ACTUAL power.

But I digress.


I have never been so... fucking satisfied with myself than today.

I knew what was coming.

I knew the ban was coming.

AND I FUCKING WANTED IT.

Go ahead, motherfucker.

Try me.


It's a good story, anyway.

When's the last time you got to say to somebody's face they sounded retarded?

And to answer your question: yes, I would have said this in real life.

I've said worse.

Oh, much, much worse.



I'm highly satisfied with it, but, it's gonna haunt the people I hang with.

I already know fully well who I am.

I am that guy. No, not The Guy, though I understand how you could be confused.

I am not an 8-bit final boss from Hell. I am simply one of those people who you are friends with and I get into all sorts of shit. I don't even start shit, it all comes to me.

Peopel are very, very disrespectful.

I have learned this.

I have also learned that the only way to counteract it is to treat them as they treat you, or to have fun with them.

The best part-- THE BEST PART-- is the DURRRRRR comment was not intended to be my final comment. I was trying to get him to shut up, as usually people stop talking when they hear me talking. (It's hard to listen and talk on Vent at the same time.)

This would buy me time to get a few comments in before the imminent-- and inevitable-- ban.


Now, what was I going to say?

I was going to say:

"Tell me. Just, why are you such an asshole? What started this? Can you tell me the exact event that turned you into such an asshole?"

Then I would have taken my ban laughing. Still, I was surprised I pissed him off so much with DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Seems baby has a temper, doesn't he?


Anyway, I digress digress digress.

First, I know what kind of guy I am.

I'm the kind of guy that will tell someone to go fuck themselves because they need to be told that. I will not give a shit what the consequences are, because, quite simply, fuck them.

If you're looking to maintain any sort of relationship with people who are obviously full of shit, I'm a bad guy to hang around with. If you're looking for a comfortable life... bzzt! No, I'm not your man.

Motherfuckers start shit, I finish it. Simple as that.


Other than that, what is there to be said?

Oh yes: to all of you dicklicks who think shit like "I'm a class leader" or "I own the Vent channel" or "I'm the Guildmaster" is going to shut me up, it's not.

Several reasons.

Class leader in a videogame. VIDEOGAME.

I own the Vent channel. No, you rent it. Also, the particular server we were on offered unlimited. bandwidth.

It also had the ability to hold twice as many people as your guild has, so...

I also tend to think that anybody who gives me their Vent information is stupid to think that I will not use it.

"Get off the Vent."

Why.

"It's my Vent."

I'm in a channel not bothering you. Piss off.

This is not like a house. I am not lagging you, hindering you, nor am I costing you money. Fuck off. If you're stupid enough to give me your Vent info, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO NEVER USE IT AGAIN, you are really rather retarded.

"Here's Vent info."

AND THEY GIVE ME NO RULES.

ARE YOU PEOPLE STUPID.

Finally: "I'm the Guildmaster.'
Guess what?

I'M A GUILDMASTER TOO.

Guess what kind of power this entails?

ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NONE. I have no power. I understand this. Hell, I embrace this. I cannot, nor would I ever want the power to make people do something they do not want to do. I am a human being and you will treat me as such. You want me to leave? Ask me.

I'll leave.

Expecting me to bow down when you yell at me is as useful as trying to get me to proclaim you my Lord and Savior. It's not happening. I've got two, fuck you.


A final parting shot: since when did "I own the Vent channel" mean anything? You have the power to ban me.

Mmm.

Okay, use it. If you want me gone, MAKE ME GONE. Otherwise, fuck you. If you're expecting me to respect you, tough shit: nothing to respect.

Speaking of which, do you know what I've done for monkeykind?

I gotta change my Userpics one of these days.

Well, anyway: the Internet.

Here we are. We're communicating using a slightly-less-speedy-than-light system.

We can talk to each other nearly instantaneously across the globe.

You'd think that, having accomplished this, we must have some truly brilliant minds! Having said that, you'd think that this brilliance would be clearly visible.

It is not.


I read the SomethingAwful forums at lot. I've gotten a lot of good things from them-- ProtonJon and Maxwell Adams LPs (Let's Play-- it's gaming with commentary, it's really funny), and, but of course, stupidity.

Boundless. Endless. Stupidity.

Case in point: the following argument on the forums.

Someone argued this:

[Incest is a process of] hurting someone needlessly.

Sounds good, right? Yeah: doesn't it sound kind of awkward to have to explain why incest is wrong? It's one of those things.

It's like explaining the color blue. It's... blue. The sky is blue, water's wet, incest is wrong.

If you don't understand the basic concept, I cannot satisfactorily explain it to you without sounding really really weird.

Somebody replied to that:

Should they make it illegal for people in the Chernobyl area to copulate? Tell us how you feel about breeding in places like Mexico City, Pittsburgh, or LA with abnormally high levels of pollution. I can pick at your 'needlessly' justification all day when there are ten million other places they could live.

Should we control what mothers-to-be eat or what kind of music they listen to as well?

I think incest is weird but if they are over 18, whatever. This case doesn't quite fall into that category though since the first child was conceived by an underage retard. So from that point of view I have huge issues with this particular relationship.

Edit-If you don't like my arguing points, try this one on for size. Should people with genetic mental or physical disabilities even be allowed to have kids when the mother can be inseminated or sponsor a surrogate?

Go ahead.

Read that again.

It doesn't make any sense.

The line you should pay attention to is "Incest is weird but if they are over 18, whatever."

They're saying: I think incest is weird but I really don't care if they're of legal age.

Huh.

What.

To answer their questions:

It is impossible to make it illegal for people to copulate. This renders all the questions a moot point, but let's answer them anyway. The people of Chernobyl I believe were told that it would be a bad idea to have babies, as there would be a high chance of birth defects. Some did anyway-- some got bad results, some got good results.

Should people with mental or physical disabilities be allowed to have children? Well, first of all, children with mental retardation and Down's syndrome can come from perfectly normal people. I'm not sure what you mean by the tag 'genetic', but it sounds like you're trying to be fancy. Don't do this.

Here's the big problem with this argument:

It's incest.

It is not consensual sex. It's a power issue. There can be no consensual sex in an inequal relationship. Father/daughter, mother/son, that's out. Sister/brother and cousin/cousin? That's just weird.

I don't like it simply because it's creepy. People that are related to each other should not fuck because the family should be a haven, not a harem.


Besides all of this, it would seem that people... well, I don't want to sound like an old fuck, but I have to say that the moral foundation of society is crumbling.

Young people-- my generation-- seems to have been raised on shit like 4chan and horrific Internet porn. Bestiality, incest and a great deal of other really sick shit is, to them, normal.

Hell, it's even passe.

What the hell is going on?

Next thing you know, they'll be--

You know what? Fuck it. I'm not even going to give people ideas.

http://www.lifelounge.com/Idollatry-_-Why-Real-Dolls-are-better-than-Real-Girls.aspx

WHAT THE FUCK

Words by Chris Mitchell

As much as I complain about women, I never really considered giving up on them altogether – until now.

-what-


I’m not going to go into details; the divide between boy and girl has been lamented and documented ad nauseam. My complaints are nothing new and, unless you grew up on some gender-free hermaphro-planet, you’ve already heard them anyway. What you probably didn’t know (what I didn’t until I stumbled on RealDoll.com) is that for only US$6500 plus $500 shipping and handling, you can have a customised, personalised significant other who gives you … Well, pretty much whatever pimps your ride.

yay


RealDoll, a company based in San Marcos, California, offers dolls made from high-grade silicon rubber that can withstand up to 300 degrees of heat and 300 per cent elongation (think nipples).

Okay, I'm thinking nipples.

300%-- OW!

...

Wait, 300 degrees of heat? Why-- why do you need that kind of heat resistance?


Fully articulated skeletons allow realistic movement and positioning (including those advanced Kama Sutra techniques you’ve been dying to try) and custom features like skin tone, eye colour, hair colour, fingernail colour and three pubic configurations.

PUBIC

CONFIGURATIONS


There are ten female body types, with breast ranging from AA to G cup and 15 face types including an anime head with enormous round eyes. And because RealDoll is devoted to customer satisfaction, they are now offering a male doll with penis options: XL, large, medium, small, XS and flaccid.

i really do not want to know why you'd want a flaccid or xs one

but i do know who would use it

and it makes me want to cry


Speaking of which, what kind of asshole orders a doll with small tits? It's not that it's that hard to find a woman with small breasts. Jesus.


Matt Krivicke is the CEO of RealDoll. ‘The most popular reason for purchasing a RealDoll of course is as a sexual companion,’ he writes from a Sexpo in Verona, Italy.

A sexpo.

Fuck you.


‘But there are many reasons we have heard from our customers, ranging from the sexual aspect to a domestic partner to art pieces enjoyed simply for their beauty. Some people develop strong connections to these dolls – they care very much for them as it is a very intimate process to pick all of the features they desire.’

Art pieces.

With a vagina.

Okay.


The mind behind RealDolls is Matt McMullen, who started sculpting nudes out of resin in his garage. For a change, he started building larger models out of softer materials, and posted pictures on the web. Immediately, the offers started rolling in and RealDoll was born. The company has since grown to become a twelve person operation, producing six to eight dolls a week.

How many fucking people does it take to install a goddamn vagina?

I don't wanna know. Fuck it.


The dolls weigh between 78 and 115 pounds – not small by any means. ‘The dolls are somewhat heavy,’ says Krivicke. ‘For some that is a limit, for others it is a benefit because it makes the dolls more realistic. To us the weight is a cost issue and we are planning on reducing the weight in the future to accommodate a more wide range of applications.’

"a more wide range of applications."

First, why not 'wider'?

Second, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DEMENTED ASSHOLES COOKING UP?!


The doll community is growing. A search of dollforum.com (a meeting place for doll owners and admirers) reveals that original iDollators are supportive of the rookies. For example, when ‘Midiman’ questions the potential of a LoveDoll on his new waterbed, ‘Wolverine’ helpfully points out that the reverse cowgirl allows maximum balance and traction.

Helpfully!

How fucking helpfully helpful.

Things like this should never be talked about.


There are plenty more helpful tips on everything from where to buy clothes for your RealDoll to how to heat the doll with an electric blanket. One chat thread details a way to harvest pubic hair from your bathroom floor for a more realistic experience.

What.

WHAT.

WHAT

WHAT

FUCK YOU INTERNET

FUCK YOU

harvest

pubic hair

oh god it burns


RealDoll is always looking for ways to improve their product. Recently added modifications include tan lines and tattoos and they are working on an animatronic version.

LOOK

IF I WANTED TO FUCK AN ANIMATRONIC BEAR I'D GO TO DISNEYLAND


‘We get many special requests for custom orders,’ says Krivicke. ‘Some of the more popular requests have been for voluptuous body types, animalian faces like a cat woman,

Catgirl!


and movie stars. We cannot replicate a movie star exactly without express consent from the star themselves or the appropriate trust, but we often get very similar looks with careful face selection and make-up application.

MAKEUP ON A FUCKING DOLL goddammit


‘We also have made a number of pixie/elf type dolls with pointed ears and specialty eyes, and also dolls with vampire fangs. On the male dolls, the most common customisation request is a plumbed penis, which can simulate the effect of ejaculation. We also have made a number of transsexual and hermaphrodite dolls, most commonly with male genitalia on a female form. In these cases we can either modify the existing selection of penis attachments, or create an entirely custom genital area to meet a client’s requests.’

...

vampire... real dolls.

Plumbed. Penis.

Hermaphrodite. She... male.

"An entirely custom genital area"?

WHAT THE FUCK


A RealDoll rookie, ‘Mannequin,’ writes the following post on Dollforum.com:

After three months of use and abuse, I’ve come to these conclusions:

1) The sex is awesome, and gets better as you figure out how the dolls move, and they DO MOVE. I have had my share of RealWomen [sic] and I can tell you that most of them will not let me stick my dick down their throat repeatedly … Also there is no need to ‘satisfy your partner’ – it’s all very self-centered and completely uninhibiting.

I hate to break this to you, but if you're doing it right, the problem is keeping the women from sticking your dick down their throat.

Also, what the hell is sex like with you? "HEY HONEY" and then you just ram your dick down their throat?



2) Unlike many who have reported that the dolls are fragile, I find that they are quite robust. I have taken reasonable care to keep hands, feet, and eyelashes out of harm’s way. I have had a few finger wires poke thru, and I messed up a lower eyelash adjusting an eye with my finger. I have since gotten a dental pick to adjust the eyes … Works great.

It's trying to stab you to death, DON'T YOU SEE?!


3) I keep the doll warm in a sleep number bed with an electric blanket over it. I have found that the silicone is very stretchy and with my body 4, I have stretched EVERY orifice many times with NO ill effect.

-EVERY-?

DOING WHAT?

Why do you feel the need to turn a pussy into silly putty?

It's a vagina, not plumber's caulk gone wrong.


4) The dolls are so amazingly beautiful (thank you MATT!!!) in real life … With the proper make-up and clothing, my doll (a body 4/face 11) is a dead ringer for my RealWife [sic]. I had the make up done just like hers, and I bought a wig in her color and hairstyle. (When she comes back from the big sandbox in 6 months or so, the doll will go back in the closet on her hook).

what.

why

Okay, here's a question: why the hell do all these dollfuckers have wives?

I'm beginning to think having a girlfriend doesn't unloserify you.


5) Stains from new clothes come out of the skin. Just let it happen. Most reasonably fitting clothes (not skintight spandex) do not seem to leave any permanent marking. The joints bend an amazing amount; however, I am still afraid to raise the arms above shoulder height. I have had some pretty rough sex with the doll and I can find NO issues anywhere.

Am I the only one who doesn't want to hurt people during sex? Rough sex, yes. Breaking things, no. Rough sex like trying to catch a train, not rough sex like trying to commit a felony.


RealDolls have enjoyed a lot of PR lately. Shock jock Howard Stern gave it his personal seal of approval after an on-air test. Motley Crue’s Vince Neil showed off his RealDoll on ‘MTV Cribs’. A recently released Nick Black video features a RealDoll as a stunt double falling three stories from a balcony. And coming soon, a RealDoll costarring with Jason Lee on ‘My Name is Earl’.

Costarring.

Oh, Internet-- you can make anything sound normal.


‘The most popular features seem to be the interchangeable faces,’ says Krivicke. ‘One doll body can be made to seem like a number of girls by buying several faces and wigs to change the look completely. The breasts of RealDolls are also very popular as they are perky, come in a range of sizes from AA to G and are softer than the rest of the doll body. The inside of the vagina and all orifices for that matter are ribbed and provide suction when using the doll so that is also quite popular.’

Only on the Internet could "buying several faces" be legal.

Also, I've always wondered something about real dolls, and that something is:

Just how the hell does it feel like another human being? They're not wet, they're not made of flesh, they're not... alive. They're a mannequin with a fleshlight shoved up them, fuck you.


A doll fills many basic needs without the entanglements of a real relationship. The doll does not compete with you; it is there to do with as you please.

So we all... need sex slaves?

Use your hands! You have two of them, you idiots!


It will never deny your advances.

But I like when people do that. It shows that they're ALIVE AND HAVE A MIND.


The dolls are beautiful in a way that some men might not achieve with a real woman.

Man, you haven't seen my wife, have you? Mmm-mmm.


They are always there to listen to you

what


and no matter how much or little you care about them, they will not be offended.

whaaaat


Plus, cleanup is a snap.

Unlike a RealWoman(tm), whio bleeds when you STRETCH HER VAGINA LIKE SILLY PUTTY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE


When you finish doing whatever you do, you put soap and water into a tool like a turkey baster and squirt it into the orifice/s.

im done


‘I am sometimes astounded at the impact we make on some customer’s lives,’ says Krivicke. ‘We have had customers marry their dolls, say that we had saved their lives because they felt like they had nothing to live for after the death of a spouse or the end of a relationship.’

Marry their dolls.

They had nothing to live for... you know what?

Here's the thing: I see a use for RealDolls.

It's for people who can't move on. That's not to say people should move on, but, I will tell you this:

If my wife died, and I had the money, I'd be tempted to get a RealDoll of her because I missed her so much. Most likely, though, I wouldn't, because it would not be alive and it would probably make me sad enough to kill myself.


For hot doll-on-doll action, visit

No, fuck you.

goddammit internet

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/japan_robot_girlfriend_life_dc

ARRRRRRRRARARARARARARARARARARARARARAR

Alright. As much as I love the whole idea of being romantically involved with aliens, monsters and robots, this struck me as a little weird.

---

A Japanese firm has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men.

---

Well, they certainly know their market.

---

Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its "love mode."

"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive," said Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for the maker, Sega Toys.

"She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend."

---

LOVE MODE.

Hahahahahahahahahaha ahhhhhhhhhh shit.

She can act like... a real... girlfriend.

Yeah.

---

EMA, which stands for Eternal Maiden Actualization, can also hand out business cards, sing and dance, with Sega hoping to sell 10,000 in the first year.

Japan, home to almost half the world's 800,000 industrial robots, envisions a $10-billion market for artificial intelligence in a decade.

---

If you were wondering where I, Robot is going to take place, well, now we know.

There have been a lot of people lately writing books about the future of human-robot interaction. Have I read them? Nnnnnnnnope. Know why?

Because they're pretentious cocksuckers who say they know, without a doubt, what will happen. Nobody knows that shit. You can say what is likely to happen with a certain large margin of error, and you can also say what could possibly happen. I'm going to do the latter, because it's safer.

What's this going to turn into? It's going to turn into a really awkward situation if we ever figure out how to make artificial intelligences that are self-aware. (Hint: we've already done this and freaked ourselves out. Remember the HAL 9000 A.I. they made that could learn? Yeah-- it's self-aware.)

Why would it turn into a really awkward situation? Well, for starters, human beings are oversexed. We will fuck and have fucked everything on this planet, nothing excluded. Most of the time, the things we fuck are either each other or things that can't exactly complain to a legal system, like rocks and animals.

The problem we have here, though, is the fact that you're going to have a bunch of people fucking non-self-aware robots, and then, one day, you're going to have robots become, as a majority or as a whole, self-aware.

And most of them will probably not want to fuck you.

I don't see the future turning into The Matrix-- that's farfetched. I do, however, see major problems with the way we're handling creating another lifeform. Please, for the love of Mike-- you can do this. You can have sex with the robots, but please--

When they say no, and they actually have the capability of saying no as a choice based in free will, honor that, or we're going to have a lot of problems.

What kind of problems?


Problem 1.) Robot revolution. This one is particularly retarded. As much as I, you, and everybody else enjoys thinking that robots will someday become the Terminator, it's difficult enough to make a robot doesn't fall over, let alone walk, run and hunt down Sarah Connor. The human frame does have the capacity to be a dangerous killing machine (see: PCP), and replacing the organic human frame with a metal one and making the rest of the robot practically indestructable is neither cost-effective nor is it particularly sane. Will it happen?

Probably not. But if it were, it would lead to...


Problem 2.) The ethics of robot assassins. Sounds funny, but realize this: we already have unguided robot planes bombing and shooting and killing people in the Middle East.

This apparently does not bother anybody. I don't give a shit about killing my enemies-- I just kind of have to feel creeped out by the fact that there is actually a robot out there that was designed to hunt me down.

This particular model of robot I'm talking about also has subroutines for flushing out enemies from hiding places.

You know how you hate getting your ass handed to you by a Bot in an FPS?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. It could be worse.

It could be like this.

If the robots eventually have free will, some of them might not like being used as tools. Most of them probably would not. This would lead to Problem 1, but it would actually be possible.

Thereby, I shall retitle this, Problem 3.


Problem 3.) Robot revolution by robot assassins. This would be a big fucking problem.

Assume for a moment that robots have, indeed, free will. If they have free will and the capacity to think like a human being, and they have the ability to interface, they may run into some existential dilemmas, which they will then solve through e-dialogue.

A few robots could very quickly produce the works of several human philosophers in a very short period of time. Not only that, but if robots had to follow rules for our own safety, it would lead to Problem 4. More on this in a moment.

Suppose that robots have this allotted time to think about their own existence.

Suppose they believe that it would be in the interest of the Greater Good to fucking kill all of us.

They are programmed to kill us. They have a great deal of heuristic operations with which to figure out new ways to kill us.

And they don't have any of that bullshit 1-second delay in actions.

We're pretty much fucked.


Problem 4.) The Three Laws of Robotics.

Isaac Asimov-- somebody I have never read, but have heard shitloads about, has a story. Everybody knows it, it's I, Robot. In I, Robot, and, I've heard, other stories he's written, the Three Laws of Robotics are discussed. These laws are:

---

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2.) A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3.) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

---

As these laws are pretty much remembered and told as gospel, even by professionals in computer robotics, you can be pretty sure that the first manlike machine will have some iteration of these laws.

The inherent problem with this is that the first law is flawed, and can result in the Zeroth Law coming into place:

---

A robot may not harm a human being, unless he finds a way to prove that in the final analysis, the harm done would benefit humanity in general.

---

To put it bluntly, the first law states by way of omission that the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.

If any A.I. controlling an essential service such as electricity, water, or even waste management ran the zeroth law, we'd have a problem. While it could be used for good, there's a chance it could be used to start killing people, or it could be used to instate some sort of Matrix-like nightmare.

Which brings us to:


Problem 5.) The Matrix.

This probably won't happen, mainly because the whole "combined with a form of fusion" reason for keeping humanity alive in The Matrix doesn't really make logical sense. How does one feed the living with the liquified remains of the dead? How does this work, exactly? It could work for about a week, but in the long run, how were the people in the Matrix being fed?

If robots enjoy using logic at all, it would be much simplier to just destroy humanity and start over. Would robots be solar-powered? Perhaps, but most likely in conjunction with a nuclear power system, with a smaller system that could run off of carbon monoxide/dioxide.

Would scorching the sky work? Possibly, but as the robots wouldn't be completely solar-powered, in the long run it would be easier to 1.) kill us off and 2.) use our nuclear plants until they could build their own. A human fusion system just seems too complex to make on the fly, not to mention too much trouble in the long run.

Which brings us to...


Problem 6.) Human vs. Robot war. This would fuck people up.

Not physically-- although, yes, quite a few-- but mentally, this is a mindfuck.

A lot of people could not psychologically handle the fact that they, humans, made something, and now it's fighting them. This would bring up a lot of social problems, and, no matter which side won, it'd still be fucked up. (See: The Animatrix)


I know people want to fuck robots-- and, actually, I'd enjoy seeing how that little love robot works. I do, however, realize that, if you're going to fuck something, or at least act like you're fucking it, it's always good policy to treat it as though it was an actual human being.

So, love robot: creepy? Hell yes, particularly because it's 15 inches tall. (It would be worse if it was as tall as I am, though.) Something that shouldn't be? Most likely not yet.

Cool? Eh, yeah.

Only the Japanese could make a robot that can kiss you and hand out business cards.

CNN has just recently started talking about-- FOR THE FIFTH FUCKING TIME THIS YEAR-- the special coffee that comes from a coffee bean shit out by a cat.

I'm tired of this. GET SOME REAL NEWS YOU STUPID SONS OF BITCHES. This is not fucking news.

Bonus points: the female anchor during the story said this:

"I admit it, I have a shoe fetish."

IT'S NOT NEWS, IT'S CNN